Chris "The Master of the Menial" Pickett
Okay... so I never come to the site and I never add anything to the page and basically I'm a sloth. The two-toed kind, mind you. TWO TOES! The three-toed sloths don't live as long. Right... anyway. So you're on my crappy profile page, reading away. And why? How the hell should I know? Maybe you're bored, just munching away on some Doritos, or maybe some Ramen noodles. Either way, you've just consumed approximately 750mg of MSG, which is enough to give a lab rat diarrhea for life. And one hell of a headache, to boot.
Now that you've cast away the chips, why not wash all that tasty cholesterol away with a little Diet Soda? Mmm, great taste, less filling! Not to mention the ALCOHOL POISONING. I mean, if you really want to put that much methanol in your system, why not just grab a Foster's? You'll get that great taste, more nutrients, and you can rest assured that the ethanol found in Foster's (or any other alcoholic beverage) won't kill you like that crap in Diet Soda will!
Plus, hops (one of the main herbal ingredients) has been shown to increase the seratonin re-uptake and distribution in the neural passageways of the cerebral cortex...
The result? Better short-and long-term memory, increased awareness, increased ambition (often misunderstood as 'lack of inhibition', when in reality, rather than decreasing your standards, you merely gain the motivation to do what normally (for whatever reason), you wouldn't), as well as a number of other GREAT benefits. The only downside to this amazing product is that the balance between benefit and hindrance can be a delicate one, as the alcohol itself causes a general slowing of the muscles and brain due to oxygen deprivation, and the hops also increases the melatonin levels in the thalamic region (which controls the urge to sleep, amongst other things).
Acheiving the proper balance is a difficult undertaking, as I can clearly attest to.
-Today's Special-
As per usual, I am deeply engaged in a bitter fight against "The Establishment,"and, more specifically, The Man. Most notorious for his ability to greatly diminish the IQ of any given demographic (an average anywhere from 20 up to 40 points per head per sitting, leaving his helpless victims thoughtless, emotionless, and talentless), The Man is an invisible, yet invincible force.
The Man is responsible for much of America's greatest brain-deleting phenomena: rap music, the mass media (otherwise known as Lie-O-Vision), Political Correctness, Mindless Liberalism, the many Save-a-Nicaraguan-sex-child institutions, and the secret plot to genetically replace the human hand with a cell phone so that no one has an excuse not to walk down the street with one. Who is THE MAN? No one knows for sure, but what we DO know, is that a mysterious entity known simply as "A.O.L." is now in charge of corporate America, and NO ONE BUT MICROSOFT can save us now. Congratulations, Bill Gates, your dream of one day being more powerful than SUPERMAN has become a reality. Now, armed only with the world's most awesome secret weapon, the Personal Computer, Bill and his team of 'highly skilled professionals' are creating some of the most advanced software in the world with the sole purpose of ending the reign of Dummification that is AOL. How do we counter the evil? Ask Bill Gates, the man who ensured that the spell-check included with all Microsoft text-reading programs would flag 'LOL,' as an improper word. Not to mention "Y'all," "yawl," "niggah," "nigga," "BRB," "homey," and over 10,000 other made-up nonsense words and acronyms that THE MAN uses to make people stupid.
When the CIA-planned 'tragedy' occurred on September 11th, where was AOL? On television of course... on every one of Time-Warner's stations, their subsidiaries, any and all cable news programs.... who was at the head of the brainwashing that told Americans this was a 'total surprise...totally unavoidable,' and that some mysterious, shadowy man supposedly living in Afghanistan was responsible for blowing up these buildings, and causing all the 'terror' that occurred? That's right, THE MAN. Who put on all the concerts and benefits to honor the cops, firemen, and all the miscellaneous other people who GET PAID ENOUGH ALREADY to do their jobs? Disney. Who owns Disney? AOL.
Osama bin Laden is not "The Man." Nor is he really a terrorist. His real name is Mokhtar Ahmed Allabar Khandmed Sharahammed, and he drives a cab in L.A. When some shady-suited men approached him after his shift one night and asked him to participate in a 'top-secret mission,' he had no choice but to oblige.
And hell, who wouldn't? Would you pass up the ability to star in a series of videos, playing to the world's largest audience, as the embodiment of Evil in society?
If I could play the uber-villain, I would. But unfortunately, that's Ahmed's job. My job is to wait in line for 3 hours at the airport security check for some buffoon to take a bite of the soap in my travel kit, explaining that it 'could be a bomb...' and that 'you just never know.'
I KNOW A COUPLE THINGS. One- if I wanted to hijack a plane, I would. If I wanted to sneak a bomb on a plane, I could. Do you honestly think that some poor, uneducated bully faction had the know-how, or even the connections to learn how to fly ANY plane, let alone a jumbo-jet? No two planes are created equal. It's not like the car-simulators at the arcade. You can't 'get a feel' for a 747 from flying a Cessna. That'd be like trying to 'get used' to driving a big rig by tooling around in your sister's VW New Bug.
Which is UGLY AS SIN, I might add. Who do you think inspired the reissue of the new Bug? DISNEY, who simultaneously re-released the old "Herbie the Love Bug" movies in their Special-Anniversary-DVD-Editions.
And let's not forget the musicians... any 'artist' with a Time/Warner contract (we're talking Epic, MCA, Arista, Virgin, Capitol, Ick... ALL OF THEM...) basically has an obligation to either write a song, endorse a charity, or otherwise acknowledge in some way the 'horrible tragedy' that occurred when the CIA drove the remote-controlled jumbo jets into the half-occupied World Trade Center.
Right. So... now that you've read everything above, and now that I'm back from getting Chinese food and forgot what I was writing about (above), I give up. FUCK THE MAN, and stuff...
Oh yeah, and RAT PAK 4 LIFE!!!
P.S.
'Grey' is spelled G-R-E-Y. Just like 'jackass' is spelled W-A-R-N-E-R.
And also I hate banners but there is one at the top of the page and if you click on it I will KILL you because they will then have full access to your computer and probably read my post which means they'll know I'm onto them and I'll be done for, so you'd better run because I'm DAMNED SURE I'll get to you before those CIA bastards find me!!!!
Also, I hate purple and everything it stands for, but Paul got the straw when it came to picking colors, and even though we STRONGLY URGED him to pick a color that everyone would like, we agreed to apply his choice to all the pages. Six months and a threatening E-mail later, Paul made his choice. PURPLE. FUCKING PURPLE!!! As mad as I was, I really couldn't do shit about it since I never come on the site anyways so GAY ASS purple it was and still is. THANKS, PAUL. (point)
